MURPHY'S LAW APPLIED
WHEN YOU'RE UP TO YOUR ASS IN ALLIGATORS...
IT MAY NOT BE A GOOD TIME TO DRAIN THE SWAMP
ALWAYS CHECK THAT PARKING BRAKE! (click)
Ya gotta check out this Witness to a Motor Vehicle Accident audio clip
The #1 Interrogation Room rule explained to a suspect...
"You came in here with a pretty face and information. However, you can't leave with both."
Ways to tell the new guy is not all there...
- He breaks off a foot pursuit to lay a mat down facing East in order to submit to Allah for the fourth time that day.
- When asked why he came on the job, you are told "I'm just sick of everyone acting like they're better than me".
- He constantly asks colleagues, "You think you're better than me?"
- He says all this talk about illegal aliens is missing the point and that we should concentrate on the aliens from outer space because they have the ray guns.
- He follows-up Miranda warning with a passage from the Bible.
- Signed up for good pay and respect from the public.
- Tattoo says "Vampire King".
- Voted against a three days on, four day off work week.
- Wants to vote for Bush again if he only could.
- Still freaked out by the fact that Rosie is no longer on The View.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they told him that all patrol cars were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay", hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, a SWAT unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available".
THE GUNNY'S BASIC RULES
RULE 1: The Gunny is always right. RULE 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate or officer may be right, Rule 1 becomes effective immediately. RULE 3: The Gunny does not sleep, he rests. RULE 4: The Gunny is never late, he is delayed elsewhere. RULE 5: The Gunny never leaves his work, his presence is required elsewhere. RULE 6: The Gunny never reads his paper in the office, he studies. RULE 7: The Gunny never gossips, he dispenses information. RULE 8: The Gunny never daydreams, he is in weighty deliberation. RULE 9: Whoever enters the Gunny's office with a good idea, must leave the office with the Gunny's idea.
RULE 10: The Gunny is always the Gunny, even in a towel and shower shoes. (See Rule 1)
911 CALLS
Dispatcher: 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No. I'm wearing a blouse and slacks. Why?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 911.
Caller: Hi. Is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey?
I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 911. Fire or Police?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Department put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir. Do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires
and well, do you think the Fire Department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am. Nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Broadway. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
· The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for and he knows it!
· No good deed goes unpunished!
· Court will be scheduled in the middle of your day off.
· Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
· Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
· The Mayor will get arrested for DWI the day before your Department negotiates for a salary increase.
· Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
· To err is human; to forgive is against department policy.
· You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
· You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
· No patrol car assigned to you will be clean or ever have a full tank of gas.
· Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
· The oldest squad car won't be retired it will be assigned to you.
· Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
· Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
· Your loudest traffic violator will be related to the Sheriff, or the Mayor.
· You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
· Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
· NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
· Old squad cars never die...they just smell that way.
· You will never get a bomb threat or a barricade call until the specialized squads are away on training.
· The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
· Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
· Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
· You receive a subpoena for the Mayor's DWI trial, the first day of your paid for non-refundable vacation.
· In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
· Do unto others but do it first.
· Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.
· Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.
· Waterproof boots aren't.
· Freebies will only arrive at the station on your days off.
· There is an inverse relationship between the numbers of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
· You are ALWAYS downwind from OC Spray.
· To err is human....just do it in front of as few people as possible!
· Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
· The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!
· No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea........ usually the Chief's.
· If your patrol car's air conditioning is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
· The Quartermaster has only two sizes. Too large and too small.
· The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
· There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
· All great discoveries are made by mistake.
· The first myth of management is that it exists.
· After all is said and done a helluva lot more is said than done.
· The only perfect science is hindsight.
· If it's not in the computer it doesn't exist.
· If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
· The best things in the world are free...and worth every penny of it.
· If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.
· Whenever you set out to do something something else must be done first.
· The more a weapon costs the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
· Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· Anything you do can get you shot...including nothing.
TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer himself to a K-9 unit because he he think he looks good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop" and the other half is the "bad cop".
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dread" and he insists that all suspects should be executed on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) Suspects beg him to stop talking about hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it is his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police radio.
Now that is some official slogan for the Department!
GET OUT OF JAIL - STAY OUT OF JAIL?
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. and a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her court trial for Robbery.
During the lunch break he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed to talk to him and had him paged over a loudspeaker.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
There is truth in the adage that "there is no such thing as a free lunch"!
THE 10 WORST THINGS TO SAY
TO A POLICE OFFICER
1) I WAS GOING TO BE A COP BUT DECIDED TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL INSTEAD.
2) YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHECK THE TRUNK, ARE YOU?
3) DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU PULLED ME OVER? GOOD. AS LONG AS ONE OF US DOES.
4) HEY, IS THAT A 9 MM? THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO MY .44 MAGNUM.
5) WHAT DO YOU MEAN HAVE I BEEN DRINKING? AREN'T YOU THE TRAINED SPECIALIST?
6) DIDN'T I SEE YOU GET YOUR BUTT KICKED ON "COPS"?
7) I WAS TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH TRAFFIC. YES, I KNOW THERE ARE NO OTHER CARS AROUND. THAT 'S HOW FAR THEY ARE AHEAD OF ME.
8) WELL, WHEN I REACHED DOWN TO PICK UP MY VIAL OF CRACK MY GUN FELL OFF MY LAP AND GOT LODGED UNDER THE GAS PEDAL AND SINCE IT WAS A STOLEN CAR I WAS NOT USED TO THE CONTROLS.
9) AREN'T YOU THE GUY FROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?
10) HEY YOU MUST'VE BEEN DOIN' 125 MPH TO KEEP UP WITH ME! I COULDN'T TELL HOW FAST I WAS GOING BECAUSE THE NEEDLE WAS BURIED IN THE SPEEDOMETER.
STUPID QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS IN COURT
What happened then?
Did he kill you?
Can you describe the individual?
Was this a male or female?
Mr. Clark. You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn't you?
And did you take your new wife?